This is for the curious.

I kind of always felt like I had a different Park Jaebeom/Jay Park fan story. Read a handful of personal accounts on how and why they got into Jay, but couldn’t find a similar story. So, if I’m going out of this fandom with guns blazing—or rather, just being completely honest, lolz—I might just leave some with a disappointing impression of me. It’s cool. You guys deserve that much anyhow ;D.

So…after all of my insane/psycho Jay Park-fangirling, which includes and not limited to threatening mass destruction to Jay fans who dare type of touching him, why? Why am I leaving the fandom? Why am I over Jay?

Since I said this was going to be a farewell journey…brace yourself for the “journey” Xbbb

If you’ve already read this (which is like my first purging of how I came to know of Jay n how/why I became a fan): it was the “About Me” portion from when I was more active on 2OD. The story’s changed a little (but that’s another post entirely) n I’ll pick up from where I left off from there.

What the hell happened shortly after that? The big shebang or whatever was the Conference. What did JYPE spew again? Big mistake? Dirty social life? God! having Jay’s complete removal killed me. Everything I did for him was utterly shat on. Things I’d never have done otherwise. Take a fucken picture for a Respect Leadja project. Take part in various projects in hopes of 7 again. I went as far as supporting those assholes that remain under the false group name of “2PM” …whatever the hell that is.

Well, the lengths in which I would’ve done anything and everything for Jay followed. Started reaching out to notable names in this fandom. Specifically those who were just as invested in this dude named Park Jaebeom/Jay Park. Talked some more, scrounged some more, and found some more. Found truth. There’s prolly more to the behind the scenes story of what happened than what I’m aware of. Just as well. In my desperation to see Jay rise up from this, I did the one thing that kills me.

I’m a feminist. Guys? Fuck guys. But for Jay, I found out about some grand plan to help him get back on his feet and by God, I wanted him to okay it so we can get him back on the right track. So…I began exhausting my options of ways to get in contact with him. Ways I’m not proud of. Ways I…regret. But let me tell you, between you and I, the only person in this entire fandom who knows what my name is, what I look like, and where I live, is Jay (maybe the Park family and certain members of AOM?).

Was it worth it to get his recognition? … No. I feel like a joke actually. (And Jay, if you do read this DO NOT TALK TO ME! Talking to that Cindee girl was the stupidest move you could’ve done. Whateves, I’m outty anyhow. My opinion no longer matters.)

How do I feel for Jay?

Nothing romantic. Although, I have fallen to that level of fangirling by deluding myself with an idea of who he is/was. He’s also a suitable dude to satisfy my inner fangirl. Truth be told, we’re similar in a few too many ways. And I’d readily smack him upside his head on more than one occasion. In effect, he’s like a guy-friend/brother.

For those wondering what happened in the time that I was away, you may have been aware that I had a few childhood guy friends visit from the hometown of Boston, MA. And? The obvious: got caught up on their lives some. Now what does this have to do with Jay? Well, getting to know as much about Jay that I was able, it’s pretty plain to see he’s a born-bred American Boy. When I say American Boy, I’m not talking about the WASP or Apple-Pie variety that’s sold on so many fashion ads. I’m talking about the REAL American boy, who’s grown up in the lower to lower middle class cut of society.

How he was brought up isn’t unlike my own childhood. I don’t know to what extent his childhood was like, but he was a definite character in my own life. I grew up in the center of the city—downtown, a low-income hub of a variety of races. It was the portrait of a Melting Pot. I thank God for growing up there. The best taste of culture. Anyhow, a lot of kids I grew up with were also involved in gang activity. Example: The one kid I’d gone to school from elementary used to chill with this one kid in middle school up until seventh grade(?). Well that other kid was from the Westside of the city, he got involved w/a local gang there and the same can be said for my childhood friend. Following year, in 8th grade, Westside kid had stabbed childhood friend in the name of the gang. Westside kid was in one of my classes and he only attended the first three months of school before he was taken to jail/juvie. These are the kids I grow up with. Ironically, some also continue on with their academics and I can name a few who’ve gone on to Ivy League colleges in the New England area (i.e. Harvard, Yale). When I say i grew up with a variety of races, I should also include a variety of people too. Everyone was so different. It was awesome.

So what’s with the rundown? Majority of these kids get into the bad stuff. Few get out. I considered Jay one of these kids that grew up with these circumstances. I went to school with him and I’d wonder about him and these other kids: What happens next? Evidently some DO get out. Jay is one of the few. A post by Kabler some months ago, which I previously posted is more relevant. You can read it here.

I’d wonder about these kids, especially the gangsters. Talking to the guys from Boston (only two visited) showed me that some of those kids up there do aspire for more. One of them (goes by Butcher) is now in the Army. He said something about being in the intelligence field, which he explained as reading people… It kinda flew over my head @_@ (Sorry, Butcher). And the other dude, we call him “T,” is going into law enforcement. The latter was the biggest surprise, considering how much of a troublemaker he was in school. He’s also great with kids… The dude baffles me, but these contrasting attributes are hilariously AWESOME! kekeke

So I’ve been trying to get over Jay. Seeing that kids I grew up with were moving on and doing great things made me motivated to get my own shit together. (You see, I dropped out after 3.5 yrs of attendance… Why? Easy: I don’t know what the fuck I want to do with my life. Having the big sis graduate recently and start a salary job two days later definitely lit a match under my ass. Of course, the folks were there to light the match. So that’s part 1 of why I chose to get over Jay.)

That was quite a windy n bumpy read to get to here. Whatever damn help I tried to get Jay—whatever!! He’s bagged SidusHQ (which I’m still not sure exactly how major they are) and converted a whole number of people to legally represent him and his future. Point is Jay’s moving on. Knowing what was done to him by that sorry excuse of a company no longer makes me bitter inside. I’m letting go with him. Getting up, dusting myself off, and look at making a better me w/the motivation of Jay, Butcher, and T. Move on. Move on. Move on.

Second part has to do with betrayal after betrayal. One from moi’s source and the other from seeing what K-Jay fans did to 2OD. To a degree I even feel a bit of betrayal from 2OD for personal matters anyhow, but shoving that aside, I acknowledged the unnecessary of what was done to 2OD. It was a sad few days in the Jay Park fandom. This whole thing was a major turn off for me as well as my own personal addiction to Jay too. I don’t want to make this my life or my interests enough to tear people down.

Part three: This is where I’d prolly disappoint. In another way, I’m not any better than all the other bastards who use Jay. I have some kind of disorder/complex where I have to have something to be insanely addicted/obsessed with. Whatever addiction I acquire is never healthy (I tend to lose a lot of weight from lack of sleep and eating). Same goes for Jay. During that phase that I was most heavily into him I lost 10 pounds and my sleep-cycle was off the wahzoo. Sometimes I slept 10+ hrs. Sometimes 4 hrs. N sometimes no sleep at all. Jay Park was in a way a convenient addiction. This bit of sharing may tell you more about me than I intend to. But…I have some serious self-worth issues, so much I need to find things to take over my life in order to get away from myself. (That was jab one at a personal psychoanalysis… Wonder if it’s right on the dot or way off the mark Xb)

I honestly had more to write. Something more poignant or worth more of your time. Was planning for something more organized…n longer haha. But…iono. I just don’t know how to healthily balance my life with something like this.

Twitter… Oh, my love: Twitter. It was initially created to 1) as an open void I can just spew my ranting into (you know, just to bitch n know i’m being heard) 2) help trend Jay. After organisms were welcome on Jay’s soompi page, Twitter became my home. Took me a while to understand it all, but it was worth it. I met a lot of amazingly wonderful people and those many nights of just straight spazzing was undoubtedly fun keke~

I’m sure I’m leaving out a lot of what I wanted to say here. N I totally omitted the “tell-all” portion. Bury the hatchet, I guess(?) I’ll prolly be back to edit this post repeatedly. Bad habit since I never really make drafts of posts n just post as soon as I’m done. (sorry, if it’s a choppy read.)

(Brace yourself for the below if you’re like Katie from Horton Hears a Who! and think Jay eats rainbows and poops butterflies…)

To Jay:

You said you were a fan of Drake, may even like to be like him. “Truth over fame, you know I respect the blatant shit.” Then you should appreciate honesty. REAL TALK:

Good luck, because you’re going to need it. Kpop? You got that music industry in the bag. But for your sake I hope your company(ies) and their PR department start getting serious with promoting you the right way. Because you’ll have to work 100xs harder for America. Admitting this as a fan (former or otherwise): So far, with everything you’ve done, I’ve not been impressed in the least.

I hope your REAL comeback will be so big that I can’t even ignore it. I hope that you become so big that you take over Asia. I hope that you become so big that America would want you. Get your shit together because what you’re doing now…America won’t even bat an eyelash. Marketing is what sells you and your talent. At least make sure your companies do that right. Good luck. (and take more Korean classes…and speech… As inarticulate as you are n how endearing it can be…others won’t think so. I take into account that you finished high school in SK n your English and Korean is choppy as a result of that, but 1) others won’t care to know that much about you and excuse it and 2) you matter more as an influential figure now.

I apologize to have to use this against you, but… If you want fame. If you want America. If you want to be a billionaire. “Get your bars up.” And that’s not just for your rap game—everything.

One last message. Since all of your fans have been wanting to see more and I mean *more* of you, heed this request on behalf of Sean Kingston ft. Nicki Minaj-Letting Go:

“What if u would just come right out of these clothes, u can finally feel tha wind when it blows. Don’t be scared to be free to let go, show it all~ Feel like letiing go oh oh oh ohh~”

The major point of this Kabler-Post that I agree with whole-heartedly: Jay Got Out

 

February 17 2010 07:32AM

As long as JYPE does not terminate Jay’s contract, Jay will return.

 

And chin up to all of you who is feeling down because even if JYPE announces that Jae’s contract is terminated, there will be 100 companies in line to offer him management. The name Park Jaebum will be the biggest headline in Korea as the tides are now turned. He is seen as being “wronged” and everyone is expecting his return. All the comparisons to Steve Yoo has also been dropped and that is good.

 

For those of you who kept saying that if Jay is happier in Seattle, I can tell you in a heartbeat that I doubt it. And I’m going to use a metaphor to highlight this point. In college is where most of us have our happiest years, we buy cheap furniture, have our own apt for the first time ever, deck it out our style, throw drinking parties and basically its the time of our lives, then we graduate into adulthood, work is hard but new experiences good or bad is defining and changing our perspectives of the world each day, with each new thing learnt, our personalities, outlooks all start to change. We lament about the happy lost years of college life and wishes that things were as simple then. Some give it all up and go back and find things are no longer the same as before.

 

This…. is in itself what life is all about. Once you have ventured out of the box, the things that once brought pleasure within the box no longer holds the same experiences. The b-boys with Jae now, why do they battle? Perhaps to be recognized, maybe to be talent spotted and given a chance out of the mundane lives they have. Some of them are perhaps computer programmer by day, bboy by night, some on other jobs…the point is Jae got out. He tasted the life of being a successful celebrity, adulated by thousands and just when his hard work is starting to pay off, he got teleported back to his old life when everything crashed. Brought back into the days of waiting… 

 

If he’s 60 lived his life out and wants to return back to the simple life I can understand… but he’s only 23. All that I sum up about Jae is two words… unfulfilled potential. If I can see that and sum that up, how much those who know him and love him, how much more the boy who put in all those unspoken tears, those injuries, the pain of bridging the cultural differences.

 

To say he’s happier where he is and stop fighting for Jae is taking the easy way out by seeing things in absolute naivete, and putting on rose tinted glasses by blinding out the hard truth there is out there. I am actually glad to hear him taking on 4 different part time jobs, because in that I see a matured Jaebum, someone who does not want to tax his parents further, put aside whatever superstar pride and be real. As long as he does not do anything permanent like enroll in college full-time or find a full time position, it means that there’s hope in the situation and likely an arrangement is in place.

 

My wish is to see him soon. I really really miss that kid… and his potential

I wrote my version of this a long-LONG-time ago and will prolly update it…sometime after I finish posting all of the wonderful accounts posted on Jay’s soompi thread. I considered adding some of the posts I really liked here, but the post by “dancee.elix” decided it for me after I freakin  gushed my eyes out from her account. (I could be a lil emotionally unstable at the moment from today’s…un- pleasant? eventful? happy? day…but whateves. Was still a nice read for this Jay fan.)

Here goes one of the posts that affected me most:

rather than idols, i prefer to refer to them as my role models. people around me know that i am awfully loyal to my dongbang boys.. for 3 years (even though my mother and i have been active supporters of kpop for nearly 6 years; she loves rain and my father is very upset about it lol) i never looked at anybody else but them. i mean, of course i do listen to others’ music and occasionally find someone cute and stuff, but yeah.. in my heart, there was only these 5 boys. so yeah, my friends were shocked when i declared myself a jaywalker, haha. 

if i have to put it in simpler words..

if dongbang gave me dreams, then jay gave me hopes. 

my dongbang boys defined for me ‘working hard for your dreams’ and gave me a dream to work hard for. dance.. i am not a good dancer but it has since become a huge part of my life and it is entirely impossible to imagine a day without dance. and because of dance, because of dongbang, i am happy doing what i love now, surrounded by people who love doing what i love to do too. =)

people i really respect, admire and look up to.. for jay to have made it on to my ‘list’ really means something, you know? 

jay.. sigh. jay! i really have to thank you, too, y’know! if not for you, i don’t know when i am gonna walk out of that fog.. he taught me how it is really possible to face each day positively. that if i fell down, it is really possible to stand up and charge forward again. 

i had known of *pm from idol army (i watched it around may2009) but they never really stayed in my mind because i watched it for laugh LOL. until i got to A&A and IHY.. that’s when i started to pay a lil more attention to them but yeah.. it didn’t last long either. but i knew who the members were and who the leader was.. i remember being captured by jay whenever he was performing on stage.. reminds me of yunho, haha. i liked jay and found him really funny, lol.. 

then i went through the most difficult period in my life.. family problems, internship and training for my dance competition.. woah, i nearly died. and then there was the dongbang lawsuit too. it was like the pillars of my life crashing down on me.. sigh. so i turned to watch idol army again and this time, i got attracted by jay’s omg-ly and retarded-ness in the most adorable way.. LOLL. i adore guys who can make me laugh, haha! 

that episode of idol army with after school.. when jay literally shone. him singing ‘incomplete’ in the most beautiful shade of blue.. he shone, he really really shone. then i thought, “ahh.. he isn’t as retarded (in that adorable funny way, i mean) as i think he is, lol”. and that did it for me. a jay fan~ but then soon after, the myspace thingy happened.  

but even back then i wasn’t really a “fan” kind of fan of jay. lol. until i started watching wild bunny (in hopes for getting laughter) and that did it for me. LOL. shot twice in the same place.. thanks to jay!! so i re-watched idol army and watched a lot of their videos.. most of the times, just keeping my eyes on jay, haha. 

and then yeah, fast forward to february because i don’t wanna be reminded of the painful months in between.. ahh, my best friend and i were looking through our stuff to pick the best to be put into our portfolio because we were applying for university then.. i couldn’t concentrate at all because i was sooo very anxious for jay. it was the day before the conference. and on the day of the conference itself, because my friend and i stayed up the entire night.. sigh. i handed in my portfolio without a single bit of happiness at all.. 

at that time, because of a back injury, my seniors “banned” me from the studio. i was not to dance for 9 months, as instructed by my doctor.. sigh. i felt like they were snatching my rights to working hard for my dreams. and with jay, it felt the same.. 

“how could they take away a person’s dream, just like that?! especially one that they worked so hard for… “ 

i kept saying this, over and over again. 

but then jay’s most positive attitude towards everything.. =)

like i mentioned before, family stuff and all.. i was still learning how to let go and stand up again.. i’ve been coping well but it always felt like i never really moved on. and then i looked at how jay was facing each other so positively and how he was filled with so much hopes.. that’s when i realized. if he can pick himself up and stand up tall again, why cant i? 

since then, the past, to me, really meant the past. 

if it wasn’t for jay, im not sure how much longer it would have taken me to step out of the shadows. for two years, two loooong years.. jay and his attitude towards everything that has happened led me to the answer that has been inside me all along. so yeah, i really have a lot of ‘thank you’ to say to jay, haha. 

also, i’ve never really believed in ‘forgive and forget’ because i believed that only a saint can do that. but jay.. he changed it. so yeah, forgive and forget, love and respect. =) 

he is a good person, a good man, a good friend, a good son.. and i pray hard with all my heart that i meet someone like this in future too. LOLLL. if not, at the very least, let my children be such positive and optimistic people too! XD

sigh. i’ve written yet another essay.. but well, even these much words cannot help me express how thankful i am towards jay and how much i wanna repay him by supporting him.. =) 

ps/ i still love my dongbang boys, haha!

—dancee.elix via soompi

love4jay:littlerottendoll:twistandfall:

http://itsjaypark.com/ looks HELLA tight, can’t wait for it! (:

Holy shit, is that official? :O
Me likes me likes!

Nevermind, I found out who is the owner….It’s 2OD.
Part of the site’s script: http://www.2oneday.com.lg1x8.simplecdn.net/ijp_v2.swf
That’s the URL for the flash. So I’m guessing TY did the animation.

WOW

@littlerottendoll, ur ninjay skills are on the mark! niiiiiiiiiiiice~

(GOD, LUFF 2ONEDAY SFM!!!)